the what

waiting // doing


4/21/2021 2 min read

Over and over I just keep thinking - what is the what? what is the what. what is the. . . what? what is the . . . what. there's so many ways that can go. and then i think i should probably read that david eggers book and maybe i'd stop repeating that phrase over and over again. and maybe this sitting and not doing is part of why things are staying the same, staying still. 

everyday a new excuse. tired, stressed, work is more urgent, i need to relax. there's always a reason to wait. oh, i'll do it on friday. i love friday blog posts and email recaps. so no more waiting. no more saying tomorrow. today is today and today is the day. the only day. the only moment. to take the steps forward to see these dreams, these ideas, these ramblings, these ambitions - take root, grow limbs and make itself known.

it's been 6 months and 4 days since making an offer on my first house. It's been 6 months since my offer was accepted and contracts were signed. and now the waiting. and the waiting. and the -- what is the what? WHAT? is the. . . WHAT? the universe clearly knows i have challenges, struggles, tug of war battles with patience, with enduring faith, with even remotely believing that i could survive this emotionally, financially, physically. but it's a matter of time and i try, i really do try to see the lessons, see the opportunities, see the myriad of reasons to bask in gratitude. but still, what is the what?!? i still struggle. 

but i find that home and what i really want changes the longer i wait. the more time passes the more i feel a need for adjustments to my neon interiors and find that a merging, meeting, melding of classical beauty and lush eclecticism to be what is calling me forward. i have fears of being too basic, too boring, not original enough, not colorful enough, not enough of a statement. but maybe enough is just enough. and maybe it isn't about how many patterns or pops can fit into one space. or how many styles are combined or the perceived risks taken. maybe it's more about what feels like home to me. what feels like the place i want to be after the best and the toughest days. there is one thing i know for certain. i am sick of the not enough narrative that swims through my brain. the not enough has a place in my home because it is part of me and pushing it away will only make it stronger. but in my home - the not enough is quickly recognized, comforted, contradicted, and reminded that here - at home - i am safe. and the not enough can take a break, chill out for a while. listen to some justin timberlake and dance around. the not enough - the what is the what. it'll all be here tomorrow. but at least i have a place, a space for it to exist and for it to transform, for life to be more than enough or not enough. for life to be about being. where the what and the not enough are irrelevant and the be takes center stage.